Punches were thrown around the Cabinet table yesterday after a heated argument between the education secretary, Michael Gove, and the Deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg, over the brutal and sadistic decision to reduce vitally important investment in something that stops puppies from dying, tastes like raspberries and makes children smile. Critics say that these are the most shocking and unjust cuts since the last ones.
The mostly male Cabinet of privately-educated millionaires looked on in shock as their two privately-educated and wealthy colleagues began pelting one another with gold coins before briefly trading blows. William Hague used his diplomatic and judo skills to break up the pseudo-aristocrat and upper-middle class combatants, who both promptly swept out of Downing Street into their respective ministerial sedan chairs.
The decision to stop confiscating money from people under threat of imprisonment in order to pay for this very important thing has caused shock and dismay amongst those who benefit from the subsidy as well as several politicians who keep their heads up their bottoms. In a shocking development, those who earn a living from this very important thing are simply unable to comprehend the reasoning behind the decision, particularly as no-one ever should ever be allowed to lose their job.
This change in policy threatens to destroy all the incredible good things created in the golden era of 1997 – 2009, when nothing bad ever happened and the world smelled of freshly-baked gingerbread. Critics say that without continued public spending on this good thing and constant government intervention, people will just fecklessly lie motionless in gutters, grow fat eating litter and wallow in their own filth before inevitably dying from a heroin overdose.
A spokesman for one group with a vested interest said there was a belief that “we might as well just shoot the children now, as a form of mercy killing”. Christine Blower, general secretary of the National Union of Teachers described it as the “clearest U-turn since Neville Chamberlain declared war on Germany”, stating that she “had never changed her opinion on anything in her life” and expected her politicians to be equally blinkered and doctrinaire in the face of reality.
Sources close to Gove said the education secretary believed the good thing was not actually a good thing at all and was bureaucratic and wasteful. The claims were immediately and unthinkingly dismissed as “mean” and “nasty” by critics. Tragically, Polly Toynbee was so filled by sanctimonious outrage that she actually exploded, leaving only a fine red mist of hypocrisy and foolishness wafting through the Guardian offices.
There will be a savage human cost to the end of this good thing. Mary Allen, a 27-year-old good thing worker who now faces a cruel and uncertain future, may have no choice but to sell one of her kidneys and turn to prostitution to pay the rent on her disease-ridden hovel – satisfying the darkest fantasies of depraved perverts just to afford a Tesco Value Meal and stave off the workhouse. “I think it is outrageous what the government has done. I don’t understand why they don’t use some of the money that falls from the sky, or pay for the good thing with the power of dreams. Don’t they realise that Tony Blair and Gordon Brown invented good things in 1997?”
Ed Miliband urged voters to turn back to Labour to ensure that no difficult or unpopular decisions ever have to be made again.